Shame and The Fact that I'm a Rush Fan

For a moment, let’s call shame “the thing that I can’t be with”. Meaning, if I have shame about a part of myself, I have yet to accept this part of me. And if I’m cutting it off then you can sure as hell bet that I won’t be telling you about it either. Shame means I’m sneaking off to find ways to satisfy “it”, only afterwards I feel more guilt/pain/suffering. In all of my interactions, I’m constantly vigilant to avoid any conversation that may reveal this shameful action or quality about myself.

I see this commonly with men and their relationship to the likes of pornography, masturbation, their own sexuality, finances and the list goes on. But you can guarantee that whatever I’m ashamed about, I will avoid sharing that part of myself with you. This contortion of my personality has a cost -- I’m less authentic. I’m less trustable. I’m less relate-able.

Enter the band Rush. There are a few people that know just how big of a fucking freak I am about this group and their music. It’s been a big part of my life since I was a teen and budding young musician. Their music and lyrics transported me out of a world dominated by shitball hairbands, vapid culture and right-wing wackos. Rush and their music gave me hope that their was something else on this planet that was intelligent, challenging and freakin’ badass.

Rush saved my life.

But I don’t tell people this. My vanity won’t let me. When my band would be interviewed and influences were discussed, I conveniently forgot to list them. I remembered the “cool” bands that I listened to. I felt like shit afterwards. Guys in my men’s group who know my fears and demons and shadow-stuff probably don’t know I’m a Rush freak. I’ve been able to hide it so well.

I’m using my relationship to Rush to illustrate how shame has affected me (trust me, there’s more). For what it is worth, it is painful to live with this side of me cutoff from the world. Being a “yes” to this part of me means I have the choice to bring it into my interactions with others or to keep it private. Being a “no” means I’m a slave to the fear of what might happen if I were to just be myself.

So, here I am being a “yes” to my Rush fandom. Witness me “fall on thy sword”.

• I have spent hours -- probably a combined total of years -- listening to their music and learning their songs on guitar.
• With Rush as the soundtrack, I used to have sex with girls in high school and college before I had any clue that this wasn’t necessarily “sexy music”. My apologies to those ladies. I wish I could make it up with some D’Angelo or some Prince. I’m amazed these girls never said anything.
• In college I followed Rush on tour long enough to almost get me kicked out of school. When I told singer Geddy Lee this he looked at me and said, “Why?” in that tone of voice as if to say, “What the hell are you doing with your life?” (Hmmm...maybe that’s when the shame started.)
• I know a lot about Alex Lifeson’s guitars and even contacted a luthier to build me a replica of one of Alex’s infamous Strats.
• I’m friends with one of Rush’s former producers, and I’m too shy to ask him about his experience of working with the band. What if I vomit on his shoes?
• I regularly check the “Rush is a Band” website for all the latest info on this band. Mind you, these are 50+ year old men. I have a desire to know what a trio of 50+ year old men are doing everyday. Jeeeez.
• Last month I had great tickets to see Rush at Red Rocks. The morning of the show, it was postponed due to severe weather (even though it was gorgeous by mid-afternoon -- don’t get me started on this one). So what? I drove the 45 minutes down there at showtime anyway just to help my grieving. There I was with several hundred despondent Rush fans in the country’s most beautiful -- and still empty -- amphitheatre. I still can’t explain this one. It was kinda like needing to see the body at a funeral. “Yup. They really aren’t playing tonight.”
• I felt vindicated recently when Rolling Stone did a positive article on them. This after 34 years and a gazillion million records sold and regardless of the fact that many of their “darling rockstars” are bonafide Rush fans.
• I yelped a bit when I heard they were going to be on The Colbert Report. Seriously. A little animal-style noise. Kinda like a ferret or something.

Ahhhhh...

I feel....relief. Lightness. What was the big deal about all that? Nobody probably gives a shit anyway, right? On the other side of my shame, whatever I can’t be with, I get to feel more whole -- more me. And it feels great.

So, your turn. Where are you holding back in your life due to shame? Feel free to let me know.